Today was a very Monday-ish kind of Wednesday, without the relief that usually comes from being halfway through the workweek, though I cant really put my finger on why. I woke up on time and got a shower before the baby started squeaking for his first breakfast (kid eats A LOT.) I somehow even managed to get out of the house on time, relieving my near-pathological fear of tardiness. Nothing about my morning was BAD.
But still – blah. Work felt unimportant, uninspiring, unmotivating. The scant two things (TWO!) that absolutely had to get done today lost my interest quickly and easily, drawing simple tasks out into drudgery. I found myself tearing up each time I pumped, thinking about how I missed my baby. It is a blessing to work from home a couple days a week with him snuggled up on me in his wrap or rocking in his swing just a couple feet away, and on the days I have to be in the office it can be a relief to focus and accomplish a modicum of work I can feel proud of. But I am a creature of habit never comfortable in the in-between – a working mother, a distracted employee, an exhausted wife. Nobody is getting the best parts of me these days. It’s possible that my uneasiness comes from these long weeks of in-between-ness – work phone perpetually forwarded to cell, constantly being back and forth between home and the office, being home in the evenings but not feeling truly present as the ever-growing to-do list chases exhaustion around my brain.
I would feel remiss to not state that I am so, so blessed compared to a great number of people – I have a happy, healthy family, a job and home, food on our table. At the same time though, I’ve never been a fan of what I call the “Misery Olympics.” Someone always has it better or worse than someone else and I don’t think there’s any value in stifling our feelings because of that. Everyone is Going Through It to some extent right now, know what I mean?
So tonight I will gladly put off folding that laundry for one more night if it means snuggling my baby and husband on the couch and taking solace in the thought that I did the best I could today even if it doesn’t look like much, and that maybe showing myself some grace today will make for a better tomorrow.
Writing Into The Dark 